The Unbeautiful

All this talk of having found my path in life, the indications that I am "doing the right thing," the gallantry of studying medicine outside of our current paradigm, all the fun being had outside of class, and I forget to show you the unbecoming parts. Isn't that one of the major faults of social media? We share the beautiful pictures, post the good news, write the meaningful stuff.... But a capacity for occasional self-deprecation is pretty important; we're all fallible, and the journey is not always beautiful.

My grades this tri haven't been as satisfying as previous ones. I feel I haven't studied as regularly as I should (maybe the trappings of summer have something to do with it). A few weeks ago I crammed my preparation for a sim-patient and she called me out on it. I rushed through the prep because this was just a practice session; I would not receive a grade for it. To save time and energy when I wrote the instructions for my patient, I used medical abbreviations few non-doctors understand. In our review of my encounter, my sim-patient pointed this out and I responded honestly--I told her I'd banged it out during the boring lecture before this, and knew full well I shouldn't have used those abbreviations, but I did it anyways. She reminded me of the NUHS motto: "Esse Quam Videri" (which means "To be, rather than to seem to be.") Oops, lesson learned.

As for the whole life-outside-the-classroom part, my bathroom gets cleaned only when I can't stand it anymore, same goes for the kitchen. Laundry piles up around our apartment and coffee mugs cluster on any free surface in the living room (especially during midterms and finals)! Cleaning out the fridge recently was terrible; eating healthy food doesn't excuse you from the misery that results from neglecting to toss last month's leftovers. I don't think I've vacuumed my car since I drove it from California two years ago. When my mom came to visit and saw my kitchen sink full of dirty dishes she told me its OK to be messy because I am a busy student. That's some consolation, I guess. Also, last night I had ice cream for dinner because... forget it, no excuses, I just did.

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I wasn't kidding about ice cream for dinner...(cherry with chocolate sprinkles)!

I constantly talk about all the things I'm going to do once I'm a doctor. And I don't mean the type of practice I'm going to create and the type of patients I'm going to attract. What occupies my thoughts is what I'm going to do with my time once I've passed that last exam. I talk about the music festivals I'm going to attend, the dinners I'm going to cook, the books I'm going to read. I have visions of a clean home and cooking with pricey ingredients like lamb and wild-caught fish. I also have this funny feeling that these aspirations are going to continue forever; I'll probably always know I'm going to do something wonderful just as soon as I finish with... [fill in the blank]. (Speaking of unbecoming, there are at least 16 I's in this paragraph.)

I want future students who read my blog to think; I want that! They should think, my life as a student will be glorious! It will have meaning! I will have purpose! It will; you will. But...life will also likely fall apart in a few ways. You will have to push yourself to make time to catch up with your best friends because, well, you're so tired and you could be napping instead. Your family will have Sunday dinners and cookouts together while you sit grumbling at your desk, memorizing facts for tomorrow's exam on the bacteria that's potentially growing in their potato salad.

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My desk strewn with papers...studying is rarely a photogenic event.

Or, there's always that realization that instead of keeping up with your laundry, you could be sitting still doing nothing for a moment. You could just sit and listen to no one, memorize nothing, share no emotion. I've come to appreciate even more the precious moments of alone time without my books, without anyone to talk to, or smile at, or try to understand. Interactions with people are ultimately what keep me going, but in this messy life of a medical student I am so thankful for Saturday afternoons like this one--home alone amid my mess, writing about the unbeautiful parts and bowing to reality.